First Birthday

I've been away a few days....The swine flew into our home and stayed for a few days. Luke was quite sick the first 3 days then these past 2 he was just quiet and sofa happy. Truly, not his true 3rd grade nature. Plus, the rain (not complaining), dampened my spirits further. Have you ever tried to talk yourself out of being depressed? The more I make myself do, the quicker I sink. I might as well give in...but, I sincerely try not to.

Whitney's birthday is coming quickly (this Saturday, the 17Th) and every time I think about it, my heart pounds a little faster. I KNOW it's going to be hard, I KNOW I'm going to cry, because it's the first of the firsts for this year. I've heard it's even harder the second year because you know what to expect....this year I'm just expecting sadness.

Going to Lori's lake house will be a great distraction to a point. All the family, moving in appliances and stuff, then there is the b'day cake. It's also Lori's 49Th b'day the 31st of October so we will be celebrating her birthday also. So....do I put Whitney's name on the cake or just Lori's? I go back and forth.

I'll probably have Whitney's name on the cake...I don't think I can bear a blank space. Blank spaces mean she was never there and she was.....

Grief is always there in my heart. It will be three months on the 18Th and the sadness seems to feel heavier than lighter. I suppose it's because the first couple of months I was so numb and now that I feel more....the ache goes way deep.

But you cannot feel the true depth of sorrow without feeling that true depth of love.

Lately, we share Whitney'isms (not a word).... we all remember different things about her. Her funny stories, how she could never make it to a toilet when sick, how she loved pasta, how she loved her dog Sammy, and how much she loved her little nieces, Zoe & Bella and how they loved her.

Loving and Hurting......you can't have one without the other.

Mother's know this.